Tuesday, October 18, 2005

But wait! I am not in the mood for scholarship at all! No, I want to... Dance. And feel like "a bundle of giddy thoughts and visceral desires". You see, I have not been on holidays for a year and a half. Not because I am actually engaged in a daily regimen that takes my time - no, nothing of the sort. Rather, I have had a monkey on my back in the form of two essays that I did not hand in last year, for which I was not failed, but given "Withheld"s on my record until two months ago. After which, my lecturer informed me that the mark is changeable, if I get the essay in. So have I done it? No. I've been about to for 18 months. And I've seen too many dawns from behind the screen of a computer. And lost my grasp of language! Precious language, the only thing that could preserve me. And I've played computer games. Quoth GB: "I tend to avoid most computer games as I could quite happily play for hours and never get any work done". Yes! This is me! But without the avoidance. (I'm quite certain that the appeal of computer games is the reification of fantasy. But ... I have not the inclination for inflating this thought at the moment.)

And I've felt desire brim up and seen visions of all that I will do once I leave the house and move into the wide horizon. I've imagined Europe, and clubs in the middle of the night, and drunken dancing, and adventures at other such frontiers ... The creation of art, the creation of music ... But it's soon curtains for these visions as I head to bed at 7am and wake up groggily, yet again, in the late afternoon, only to hear the productive day of the rest of the world come to an end. Again.

And the shame! Oh, the shame. And the vicarious living. It's a sin. Only this explains the guilt, a mantle I wear everytime I leave the house.

So... If I dump this whole academic schebang for a year or so, will I
a) feel like I've lost the distinguishing feature of my identity and character? or,
b) not feel free at all, but permanently guilty?

I'm not sure, but I'm sorely tempted to attempt it regardless.

Anyway. I feel I have and will most probably forfeit a good deal of what I hold to be important. Video meliora proboque; deteriora sequor ("I see the good and value it; I follow the bad"), says Ovid - as I found out last night, while churning through 100 pages of a biography of Oscar Wilde. Notably, this strained my neck, but never my patience.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll write yours if you write mine.....

4:32 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How I found myself here reading the ramblings of confused students, I do not know,but,it had something to do with a fired Professor of Anthropology at Yale University.

5:25 am  

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