I think I am becoming unintellectual… I am deintellectualising myself. These books of philosophy in which I would once search (for what…?), I search in no longer. And I don’t know if I care.
The second thing is, that I feel myself growing uninteresting to those others that I know as being interested in the articulation of thought (philosophy, theory). So I don’t bother to include myself amongst them any longer. I am no longer of interest.
Am I happy like this? I don’t know. Is this what I desire? I’m not sure, but it’s what I’m effecting, perhaps despite myself.
I’ve been reading for entertainment, for the “what happens next?”. And feeling most unsatisfied at the end of the book, of course, for I think I do it only to escape…
But I make no decisions and am in denial about all of this. How utterly half-arsed!
(Still feel guilty, though.)
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Addendum to this: something relevant to this feeling, I'm sure, is my unhealthy and frequent wallowing - for years - in "Across the Universe". Fiona Apple's version, principally. Ah, the melting away of the possibility of change, the inevitability of the present, its inescapable return...
I would like to tell you my secret shame: that today I purchased The Bride Stripped Bare from an op-shop for $1, and devoured half of it over lunch.
Yeah, the book that was my temporary escape was Fingersmith. Yet again, no portal into an alternate universe was offered at its end. But that was not for want of me searching!
Catherine - haven't looked in on here for ages, and what do I find? Maudlin self-pity! For shame! You ought to be laughing, you Nietzschean.
Don't worry about it all. Re-enrol and move on.
And you remain interesting, btw.
Talk about getting caught with your pants down.
I totally understand. Right now I feel like I'm allergic to knowledge. I feel like each new thing I learn somehow pushes me further towards becoming one of those over-learned emotional cripples. Thus my plan for an international stadium tour next year, with album and talent to follow.
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