other peoples' lives look much nicer than mine right now

i wonder what the consciousness required by music-playing is?

it's driven by rhythm - it's a different type of presence, i feel, to be pressing keys and hearing the noise immediately. roland barthes writes that there are two types of music - that of listening, and that of playing. that of playing is muscular. it's quite a different presence. it's not that sort of distant awareness of brightness that comes with other moments - it's sound. it's pathos, it's dance - it's dionysian. it's levels and order and patterns. it's expectation, accordingly.

and to be watched playing - to be the sound and the spectacle... and a medium !

(find barthes and music and jouissance...)

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(i don't even know if it would be such a bad desire to just dribble through life.)